Woman calls out her emotionally manipulative mother for calling her ungrateful during Thanksgiving meltdown: 'Mom, you really need to stop playing the victim'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Nov 11, 2024 12:00 PM EST

Hosting family events is no small thing. Letting people into your intimate space who you have a close and (possibly) troubled history with, resulting from problematic relationship dynamics, presents all sorts of problems. It's basically like opening a Pandora's box of sorts of complex family trauma. Usually, the problematic ones will be rogue cousins or uncles who you just don't see eye to eye with, but occasionally, it will be your own problematic parents.

This woman found herself at a breaking point with her emotionally manipulative mother, who she says has a severe victim complex. While she was hosting the family's (Canadian) Thanksgiving, her mother's passive-aggressive jousting prompted her to strike back, countering her mother's monologue about parental sacrifice with her own attacks, calling out her mother's behavior. This, of course, put a damper on festivities, with some members of the family siding with the woman and others siding with her mother.

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    AITA for Telling My Mom to Stop Playing the Victim and Ruining Thanksgiving? My mom and I have always had a strained relationship. Growing up, I learned early that everything had to be about her, her needs, her feelings. I was expected to manage my emotions around her, tiptoeing through every interaction to keep the peace. If something didn't go her way, she'd somehow twist the situation until she was the one hurt, the one who'd "done everything right" and was never appreciated. I hated the way
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    But as an adult, nothing's really changed. I still find myself anxiously checking my tone, weighing every word before I speak, just to keep her from making herself the victim. This year, I decided to host Thanksgiving for the family, and I promised myself it'd be a peaceful day. My mom could come, but I'd just focus on keeping things calm. No drama.
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    Things were fine at first. My dad was cracking jokes, everyone was catching up, and I started to think maybe this time would be different. Then, as we sat down to eat, my mom started in. First, it was the small jabs and comments about how I "never call," how I'm always "too busy" for her. I tried to brush them off, but then she moved on to bigger things, saying how "family means so much to her" but she feels like she's the only one who cares. That's when she launched into her usual spiel about h
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    I could feel my bl d start to boil. I tried to hold my tongue, but I couldn't do it. I snapped and said, "Mom, you really need to stop playing the victim. It's exhausting, and it's why we don't get along." The room went de d silent. She sat there, shocked, before her face crumpled, and she started crying. She called me cruel, heartless, and said I'd ruined Thanksgiving. She said she'd only ever tried to love me, but I was too "selfish" to see it. She stormed out, and my dad followed her, giving
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    Now the family is completely divided. Some of my relatives have called me to say they understand, that she needed to hear it, but others think I was heartless, that I could've been kinder or more tactful. They keep saying she's my mother and that one day I'll regret speaking to her this way. But a part of me feels like I had to say it; if I didn't draw a line now, I'd be stuck in this cycle forever.
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    I'm conflicted because I never wanted to hurt her, especially not on Thanksgiving. I just couldn't keep pretending her behavior was okay. She refuses to see her role in our issues, and I'm tired of always being the one who has to accommodate her feelings. So... AITA for finally telling her the truth, even if it hurt her?
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a hole: I may be the a_h_le because I chose a harsh moment to confront my mom, knowing it would likely hurt her deeply and disrupt a family gathering.
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    StAlvis 20h ago • • NTA That's when she launched into her usual spiel about how much she's sacrificed, how no one appreciates her, and how she's such a "good mother who's never shown gratitude." Ma'am, this is Thanksgiving. You seem to be looking for the opposite holiday.
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    Tumbleweed_Jim 20h ago NTA • So you hosting Thanksgiving wasn't enough for her? Nah, she needed to hear it and AS A GUEST IN YOUR HOME, she was incredibly ride and bad mannered. Tell people that. That you were hosting her and she couldn't even be a gracious guest. Was it harsh? I mean not as harsh as you could have been but it's equally harsh for her to make YOUR dinner party about her.
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    corgihuntress I have something similar in my family. A person who is the family bomb. Everybody walks on eggshells so as not to set the bomb off. I quit doing that awhile back. I set off that bomb big time and I quit walking on eggshells. Sometimes you need to be true to yourself and not worry about what other people are going to do or say. If you're not being a buy, then you have nothing to apologize for. She has a need to feel the power she gets from people kowtowing to her and now you refuse.
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    wwydinthismess I hate these situations where being an a hole or not doesn't really apply. It's not fair to call an ab e victim an a hole. Honestly, it's probably not fair to call someone with a mental health issue and lacking the capacity to do anything about it an al h le either. Your mom was failed by everyone when she started to behave this way and the adults in her life did nothing.
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    You were failed by a father who didn't remove you from the situation and protect you. Your entire family was failed by the people who are now criticizing you for how you've chosen to protect yourself when none of them ever did. You're not an a h le. You're experiencing the fallout of stuffing down your feelings and being afraid to stand up for yourself properly and in a healthy way though. Hopefully this situation will show you how important it is not to let things fester until we lose control o
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    If the people criticizing you cared that much about your mother, they would have intervened when you were a child, before she ruined any opportunity to raise children that could love and respect her
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    • StrangerOnReddit 20h ago • NTA. Sounds like it needed to be said. Will she take it to heart eventually? I wouldn't hold your breath over it. If you haven't been over to r/raisedbynarcissists I think you might want to post this over there. They are your people.
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    EJ_1004 .20h ago NTA The reason you were never ever able to fully heal is because you continued to give attention and time to your ab er. You should consider individual therapy, creating and enforcing boundaries, and developing a strong shiny spine (I acknowledge its growth).
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    Your Mom likely didn't want to hear the truth especially in front of others, but it needed to be said. I think that this a great opportunity to build upon. Your Mom now knows why you don't have a great relationship, she can decide what to do next. She got up and left (to cry, which I'm not convinced were real tears) which stopped a potentially great conversation from happening, see what she decides to do if she contacts you. If she doesn't - it's a win anyway. She shouldn't contact you if she's
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    If she does contact you and is unwilling to change you can just lay out facts for her. "You asked me questions publicly so I responded in the same way. The conversation we had should have been discussed in private. While I love you as my Mother, I don't like you as a person. I was honest in what I said at the table, you seem to find a way to make yourself the victim when possible. (List clear examples)
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    This isn't behavior I want to be around or put up with. Now that the truth is out there for both of us, you know what is needed to have a relationship with me. It's up to you if you want to do the work." I realize that this may cause some of you family members to become upset with you. But that's okay. People that would ask you to suppress your own emotions, caused by the person they're defending, don't deserve any consideration. Just leave them on read and if they try to converse about it "I re
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    glemits 20h ago • She said she'd only ever tried to love me, but I was too "selfish" to see it. You should have told her that she was lying, right there.
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    dvnmsm 20h ago. NTA • You were in your home, hosting her oh by the way, and she decided to drag you at your effing dinner table. You had and have every right to tell her when enough is enough. For those shaming and reminding you that she's your mother, remind them that being a parent doesn't entitle one to sh*t on your kids. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Keep doing it. You're worthy of respect and peace of mind.
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    Recent-Necessary-... 20h ago NTA she has a victim mentality and that won't change. The oh woe is me card. You called her out, good for you. But don't worry about inviting her anywhere else. You're an adult and it's ok to say no.
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    Fun-Yellow-6576 19h ago • . NTA. Your mother is the problem! It was a great day and she just couldn't let you have the spotlight so she created drama and when called on her behavior she cried VICTIM! She got exactly what she wanted. Don't feel guilty, she engineered this entire scenario. Please find a therapist to help you out. Do NOT apologize to anyone over this. SHE is the one who couldn't sit and enjoy a nice family meal!
    via StarryDazeGirl
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    Zealousideal-Web9... • 20h ago Oh honey, NTA. Sometimes, a mom can be self- absorbed. You did nothing wrong. Keep standing your ground. My mom tried this stuff with me for years. I stood my ground throughout. We get along fine now. Took her years to figure out her stunts wouldn't work.
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    ZeroiaSD 19h ago For those asking you to be more tactful, ask them how they would say it, and then ask them to actually say it to her and see how it goes. NTA
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family drama families thanksgiving mother sibling rivalry siblings daughters family feud motherdaughter family daughter holidays
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